June 29, 2006

More Fun With Sports Agentspeak - or - Whenever It's Not About The Money... It's About The Money

This is beautiful. It's about money. It's about fame and image. It's about who your real friends are. I mean, it's about fame and image - did I mention that yet?

I was just wondering earlier this week how Ben Roethlisberger the big affable Super Bowl Quarterback was doing.

Remember a few weeks ago his motorcycle, a car, and his body, all collided on a Pittsburgh street. The injuries weren't critical - just some unconsciousness and broken bones and surgery and such, standard football fare - but the incident launched a round of discussions about what a bozillionaire pro quarterback thinks he's doing riding a motorcycle around town and putting his body lucrative contract on the line.

Apparently he's OK.

Says Ben Roethlisberger's agent Ryan Tollner:

"I don't think that this (motorcycle accident) will have any negative effect on Ben's marketability. Ben is still the same person, the same guy that has been so widely coveted by corporations. He still has the same good, wholesome American values. He's articulate, he's got the looks, plays for the right team and he wins games."
We're so relieved.
The sentence that followed all this?
"Throughout this process, Ben and his family realized who genuinely cares about him and not just see dollar signs."

Let me paraphrase (and do I have to?):
"Luckily thank God in Heaven our prayers are answered Ben's cash flow won't be disrupted. And even better, Ben and his family think we care about his health. It's what we call a win-win."

One more thing, a little off-topic, but I can't just let this slide:

I admit that on this blog I overtly sacrifice proper syntax, grammar, punctuation and vocabulary all in the interest of feigning a conversational tone. I'd like you to think I speak this badly in person too, is all I mean.

But what the hell was Tollner's last sentence thinking?

Ben and his family realized who genuinely cares about him and not just see dollar signs.

It's ironic how clearly the message came through.

As badly as that line was mangled, I would like to suggest something. Perhaps this Ryan Tollner guy is really clever. Maybe even Mensa clever.

Doesn't it look vaguely like he was structuring that last sentence to metaphorically recreate the actual motorcycle wreck? The guy might just be a genius.

The sentence is rolling along just fine, albeit without a helmet - "Ben and his family realized who genuinely cares about him" - and it could have safely come to a stop with a simple period. It had said all it should have said.

But the unsuspecting sentence rolled right into the intersection with that "and", and with no warning was blindsided by the blue-grey Camry of subject-verb dissonance. "...and not just see dollar signs". Ooooh, what a collision! Verb tense torn assunder, singular and plural rolling into a heap against the lightpost, OH THE HUMANITY! It never had a chance. End quote.

Update: The driver of the Camry, a Mr. Freudian-Slip-Revealing-All-The-Speaker-Really-Cares-About, was unharmed.


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