November 29, 2004

Definition Gasm

This has been building up for a while so I'm finally glad to just let it go:

  • Store gasm - Frantic peak of mindless raging consumption performed in response to overbearing and relentless massaging of holiday-sensitive nerves, which have been rendered weak by an inexplicable desire to please family, friends, and co-workers. Typically occurs in conjuction with intense mastercardbation.

  • Lore gasm - The payoff moment, the climax literally, of any good, homespun, ostensibly real story or yarn. Typically frightening, usually most intense around a small campfire and best with many participants. Timing is essential.

  • Fore gasm - The last vain shreiking attempt by an already distressed golfer, to warn another unsuspecting golfer about to be hit by the first golfer's errant drive. Often there is a rapid consecutive series of smaller foregasms in just the few moments leading up to the final, most intense occurance exactly at the moment of impact (the simultaneous foregasm).

  • Before gasm - Sudden epiphany in understanding a previously unclear causal relationship. Usually not pleasant, but provides mental relief in any case. Characterized by participant slapping own forehead immediately afterward.

  • Shore gasm - Large or small cliff collapse after incessant pounding of waves and tidal surges against a section of coastline. Intermittent and unpredictable occurances, yet guaranteed over time due to the persistence, rhythm, and patience of the world's ocean bodies.

  • Nor gasm - Occasional frenzied peak in futility during the search for love in all the wrong places. Most often found neither here nor there. Occurs equally as often amongst Nyeterosexuals and Nonosexuals (both Nays and Yesbians), and even Byes and Cross-Yessers. Distinguished as small bursts of defeatism sprinkled into a grinding lifelong exercise.

  • War gasm - Everything after Shock and Awe. At the individual level, described as the moments of terror that interrupt long periods of boredom. This is more appropriately called Gore gasm. Often preceded by GungHo gasm. In a larger context a War gasm is usually slow, lumbering, and relatively, well, anti-climactic. It is often difficult to distinguish from the uniformly heightened level of strategic killing of people and breaking of things. This is due to the requisite Premature Expenditure of euphoria and political focus right at the opening stage of the conflict. [ See: Baghdazzle ] [ See also: Premature Attackulation ]

  • Implore gasm - The climax of an emotive and furious, and futile, session of begging. Characterized by the begger on knees pawing desperately at the calves or ankles of the stoic beggee. Usually followed by sobbing collapse into a quivering heap.

  • Door gasm - Extremely cathartic slamming shut of a door at the moment that one participant in an argument selfishly ends the intense discussion. It is never mutual, although it is often repeated with the roles reversed. The most intense Door gasms will almost always include the front door of a home, or a car door outside. Further strengthened if the disagreement includes an unresolved underlying issue that is deep-seated and long-simmering.

  • Poor gasm - A giddy peak of euphoria brought on by one's philanthropic activities. Often misguided and superficial, due to lack of consistent commitment, or to focusing too much on form over function and style over substance. [ Note: OFTEN FAKED ]

  • More gasm - What the most twisted of you will feel the next time I post another one of these lists.


At 3:51 AM, Blogger Omni said...

Brilliant, LOL!!


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