January 27, 2007

The Golden Tomato Awards for 2006 - or - How Do You Choose A Film To Rent?

I used to be a Netflixian. Then I dabbled in Blockbusteria. Now I only have time, money, and inclination enough to sweep through the local library once every couple months for a flick or two.

Which is a dreadful tragedy, seeing that I currently have about 458 films to see, listed in order of preference based on reviews, awards, the stars, the directors, the image on the front of the jewel case... you know, all the stuff that should tell you if you'll enjoy the experience.

Let's see, if I get to see about 10 films a year, and my list grows at the rate of 50 films a month, at what point will I drop a piano on my head to stop the throbbing? And how is this related to the trains that start in Cincinnati and Dallas at different speeds and exactly how long before they'll collide in Knoxville?

I've created a monster because I truly feel compelled to see them all, someday, somehow, every last one of them including Mumford.

If I could only just make it all the way through the third season of The Shield I think I'll be well on my way.

Don't you ever wonder if, on your deathbed, you'll regret that you never actually watched Being John Malkovich because you kept dropping it down on your movie list in favor of Wag The Dog and The Shipping News, for like, your final 45 years on Earth?

I don't, because I've seen Being John Malkovich already. Glad I saw it. But do YOU ever wonder such things?

Every January, like an eternally reincarnated lemming, I throw myself off the cliffs of sanity and I peruse the lists of the previous year's greatest films at sites like ROTTEN TOMATOES. It's a site dripping in so many comprehensive lists according to genre and year that I can get my gluttonous fill all in one stop, and then cry myself to sleep for the next 340 nights knowing I'll never see 99.9% of what I've just listed as "must sees".

Seriously, I'll climb Everest before I get to number 100 on my list.

At times like this I hate films. I hate the internet. I hate the professor who replaced the two trains in the math problem with two motorcycles and a spiral parking garage ramp. Terrorist.

Read The Rest HERE